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If only I could turn back time
– Aqua, c.1999.

For Rob and I, 2012 is the year of the triathlon. While the rest of China was happily celebrating the year of the Dragon, we secretly knew better. 2012 was the year we were to face our fears, learn to swim and spend lots of money on little gadgets that 6 months ago we didn’t even know existed – little beepy things you stick in your swim hat, for example.
With bright eyes, bushy tails and a level of enthusiasm typically only seen in labradors running through open fields we started 2012 scouring Hong Kong for a triathlon club. Having decided that Triton’s had by far the best website (good work, Rupert) we signed ourselves up. Looking back it is probably fair to conclude that it was always going to be only a matter of time before our enthusiasm was going to get us into trouble. The Epic was that trouble.
Seconds after Graeme’s email arrived announcing the tour; Rob’s sent me a note. 'Keen, I think we should sign up’ it said. 'Errr, have you read the email!’ Day 1 is 70 km uphill; that’s like London to Milton Keynes, on a bike, uphill!’ I replied. 'Yep, done that before on the train and it was no problem at all’ Rob retorted. Unconvinced I tried a different tactic as coincidentally I had a work lunch with Rob’s girlfriend, Kate, around the same time. 'Kate, I said, 'you’ve got to talk some sense in to him.’ 'This is going to kill us…’ 'I’ve tried’ she replied, 'but he’s bought a bike now. He sits and looks at it in the evening, and when I ask if he’s OK, he tells me 'it’s got green tyres…’’ 'Sorry, I can’t burst his bubble on this.’ And that was that, we emailed Graeme.

The beast in me
– Johnny Cash

So it came to be that on a cold, wet Saturday morning Rob and I met on the corner of Hollywood Road and Aberdeen Street at 5.30am to catch a taxi to Lantau. 'It’ll be an easy ride’ said GT as we arrived, 'Just take it slow and you’ll be fine.’ As the group set off at an average pace of somewhere around 50 kph we decided he was either lying or hopelessly deluded by our perceived level of fitness. However, through grit, determination and in Rob’s case, having green tyres, we got to the top and down the other side. Test passed, we were now partial Tritons and were on our way to Taiwan.

And if I only could,
I'd make a deal with God,
And I'd get him to swap our places,
Be running up that road,
Be running up that hill,
With no problems...
Kate Bush – Running Up That Hill (1985).

Though I haven’t asked her, I am confident that Kate didn’t have the hills of Taiwan in mind when she penned those lyrics. Even though I’m sure swapping the Asics for a Trek wouldn’t have made it any easier, there were plenty of moments where I would happily have traded places with God. Getting up those hills gave me a lot of problems....

Day 1 – Attitude Determines Altitude (Edwin Louis Cole)
For those who made the earlier flight, morning one saw us roll out of bed refreshed, ready and raring to go. For the unfortunate few who had taken the evening flight out of HK, this was not the case as they had to cope with cancellations, delays and approximately 3 hours sleep. Nothing a heady mix of caffeine and Gu can’t fix though, so off we pedalled from the beautiful setting of Sun Moon Lake in mid-Taiwan to commence the Epic.
The ride started off in glorious conditions with a most pleasant flat through a few local towns, and then we hit the climb....a 70km effort peaking at 3,200m. Graeme had pre-warned us of this, suggesting it was akin to climbing Stubbs Road for 5 hours. I’m not sure which Stubbs Road he was thinking off when he offered that advice - make that more like 7 hours GT, and a little bit steeper, thanks. Award for most ingenious ascent must surely go to Tom who hitchhiked for the final section. As he drove past me sitting smugly in the passenger seat of a clapped out old van I admit to feelings of acute jealousy. Jealousy was swapped for amusement as I watched said van break down 50 metres further up the hill. Amusement turned to exhaustion as Tom and I were roped in to giving the van a push start. I can confirm that pushing a van up a hill in cycle shoes is an unenviable task and one that the Tritons coaches had left me wholly unprepared for. Still, by hook or crook, we all made it to the peak for a quick change and the descent down the other side. The descent was great, 50km of almost all downhill through winding roads and stunning scenery. It made all that had gone before worthwhile. We arrived at our accommodation close to Taroko Gorge c. 11 hours setting off, a lot of pedalling by anyone’s standards. Not without incident though, Graeme found a pothole in a dark tunnel which meant he cleared his handlebars with a style that Sergei Bubka would have been proud of. No damage done though, he made it through. The hotel was top and had some fantastic facilities such as a rooftop Jacuzzi. However, given the day that had gone and what was to come, these were eschewed in favour of an early night.

Day 2 – Raindrops Keep Fallin’ On My Head (Hal David / Bert Bacharach)
I was awoken on morning 2 by a combination of the alarm clock and rain gently pattering away on the window, a bad sign. It could have been worse; I understand Graeme was awoken each morning by the constant rumble of Tom’s snoring. Still, we got up, checked that all body parts still worked as they were supposed to, stuffed down breakfast, layered up and pedalled on. Some gallant souls even threw in a 20km detour to take in the Gorge, which I am told was well worth it. By this point I was operating an 'as the crow flies’ approach to the tour; so declined the opportunity.
Starting at the bottom of the hill, task one on day two was to get back up it. Not quite a 70km ascent this time (a mere 60km), but Mother Nature was unleashing all her fury in our direction. As the rain worsened the number of layers increased but the enthusiasm never wavered, a testament to the true grit shown by this bunch. The ascent was once again long and tough, as much psychologically as anything else. It was during this climb that I got to know the van driver Jason quite well. We arrived sodden at the top for a welcome bowl of noodles and clothing change. Off with the wet, on with the damp and down we went. The rain was still pelting down which made the descent somewhat precarious, but a lot of fun nonetheless. The ride climaxed with one final 10km climb and then we got to our hotel, exhausted. Or did we? No, we didn’t. We had stopped at the wrong hotel and our place was another few kms up the road. This was a blow.
Accommodation for the night was somewhat less salubrious, though still perfectly fine and did a good line in Taiwanese BBQs. Another early night beckoned, though after the lights went out all were woken by a small earthquake. Rumours that it was actually Tom’s snoring that disturbed the Richter Scale remain unproven.

Day 3 – What Goes Up Must Come Down (Isaac Newton)
Amidst an upturn in weather conditions and several jokes about the earth moving the night before, we gathered early to get on the road for the final day’s ride. Spirits were high.
Having gone up, up and away for the previous two days, day three provided some welcome respite with a monster descent. This was a personal highlight, freewheeling through some beautiful countryside in fantastic conditions. I was pretty content with the world. It wasn’t all downhill though, at the foot of the day’s big climb Jonathan proved that, whilst he may be an excellent cyclist, he is also horribly uncoordinated by throwing his helmet off the side of a bridge. I suspect it was done in a fit of pique brought on by Grace and Claudia leaving him behind.
Day 3 included sufficient uphills to ensure that myself and one other Triton did the final few kms with our feet up in the back of a van with a pipe of Pringles and a couple of cold beers. I can’t deny; I was pretty happy with my choices that day.
Conclusion – I Thought Cycling Was Supposed To Be Easy (Robert Ogden)
Overall I must say it was a memorable trip. The scenery was stunning, for those that haven’t been this region of Taiwan should feature on your upcoming travel plans; a genuinely beautiful part of the world. A huge thank you to those that had a hand in the organising as the trip was excellent.
What will stick with me most though is the sheer determination of everyone to push on and finish, irrespective of what lies in front. That was a real eye opener. Chris, Graeme, Ed, Grace, Claudia, Andrea, Tom and Glen – we salute you. You’re all nuts!

To sum up:
Was it physically draining? Absolutely
Was it mentally scarring? Rob’s still in therapy
Would we do it again? Show us where to sign up.